The “Kanye album ranking.”
It’s a universal tradition at this point, passed down from music publication to average Twitter user year after year. Sometimes we are blessed with an addition, sometimes it ends up being Watch the Throne. Either way, we accept them and keep them sacred, almost as identifiers for what that particular Kanye fan cherishes and values. Whenever someone disagrees, we feel our perception of reality challenged, and so, we bark back and breathe life to the ranking. But what does it mean? Why do some champion the grandiosity of Graduation, while others hail the destructive minimalism of Yeezus? Scientifically, I have no clue — however, that did not stop me from devising a whole personality chart for every Kanye album released. Think hard about your choice, read your truth and consider your place in this world.
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Through and through, you’re a simple man/woman/non-binary person of simple pleasures. Even that sentence alone made you kinda wince at the added complexity. The excesses of life often come across as unappealing to you, with Netflix being the only late night binge you really crave. In fact, anytime you do decide to go out to a party, you always manage to be the person who leaves around 10:30pm, primarily with the “let me slip through the back and hope no one notices” route of escape. You pride yourself on not using social media that much, mostly because you just suck at technology (which you’re also proud of). You carry an unjustified yet prevailing sense that everything was better “back then,” though can’t really specify a “then” other than the one you let your clouded memories re-formulate. This makes it hard for you to adapt to change, in turn affecting your relationship with the people closest to you. This is why you find that sometimes your family members are your closest confidants, a truth that slightly bugs you deep inside. Regardless though, you’re the true definition of a wholesome person and you wouldn’t want it any other way.
TYPE: ISFJ (The Nurturer).
BEST TRAITS: Trustworthy and fiercely loyal.
WORST TRAITS: Stubborn and closed-minded.
IDEAL JOB: Retail supervisor, restaurant / hospitality, teacher.
Straight up, you’re the most normal person in this whole list. You wake up in the morning and eat a nice balanced breakfast, probably at the same time everyday, not because it’s some sort of weird psychological compulsion, but just because you really think eggs and toast taste good in the morning. You got a job in your mid-to-late teens, probably at a water park as a lifeguard or at Jamba Juice, and saved up enough money to purchase a used Honda Accord when you were 20. The vehicle isn’t the flashiest by any means, but it gets you from point A to point B and that’s all that really matters to you. Moderation is key in your life. Life is going to be easy for you.
TYPE: ISTP (The Mechanic).
BEST TRAITS: Stable and moderate.
WORST TRAITS: I don’t know, man. A secret serial killer maybe? I’m trying to figure it out.
IDEAL JOBS: Manager, accountant, barista.
You’re the quintessential extrovert: you’re boisterous, charming and often find yourself the life of the party. You thrive on the attention and cherish being in the spotlight. You’ve also been called a “douchebag” or “asshole” more than a few times before, but that’s cool with you because you know those people just aren’t capable of understanding you — either that or you’re convinced they’re projecting their own insecurities based on your success. In fact, you consider hard work to be a primary identifier in your life, and often find that you sometimes sacrifice certain necessities in order to achieve it, whether it’s personal relationships or health consciousness. The luxuries of life, however, are worth the reward, no matter how fleeting. On a casual Saturday night, you can be found at the club holding your phone in the air with one hand, flash on and sloppily lip-synching the words to whatever track is playing. It’s your life, bitch, live it, you silently whisper to yourself in the bathroom stall right after. As a serial flexer, Instagram and Snapchat are your primary social media apps of choice, because as the age old koan goes, you know you had to do it to ’em. Do it to ’em, you do.
TYPE: ESFP (The Performer).
BEST TRAITS: Hardworking and ambitious.
WORST TRAITS: Un-empathetic and unreliable.
IDEAL JOB: Car salesmen, real estate agent, Instagram clothing brand owner.
808’s & Heartbreak
A tortured artist; a sensitive soul longing to be understood; [some other artsy cliche]. Above all else, you are a passionate being. The greatest part about you is that you are always on the search to translate these sentiments through different mediums, whether it be art or romance. The worst part about you is that you are never truly satisfied with any of the results, whether it be the art or the romance, and that insatiability eats at you inside. Chances are, you probably struggle with anxiety in some capacity and know that weird burning-pit feeling in your stomach where your gut squeezes like something is wrong, but you can’t pinpoint what it is. You’ve felt that way for a long time, and as a result you probably picked up photography at some point in high school, started a photo blog on Tumblr and never really updated it after you didn’t immediately start getting 1k reposts. You’re naturally very introverted, but crave attention just as much as the Graduation extrovert, so you’re forced to do it in creative ways that don’t involve you personally putting yourself in the spotlight (aka, art). Your intentions and love for creativity, however, are genuine and sincere — at times. You keep that last part to yourself, though.
TYPE: ISFP (The Artist).
BEST TRAITS: Passionate and loving.
WORST TRAITS: Poor at communication and often unsatisfied.
IDEAL JOB: Artist, musician, freelancer.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
You’re the ultimate maximalist and are always looking on ways to expand yourself. This manifests itself in many forms: a strong work ethic, an unusual inclination towards perfectionism and a need to always outdo yourself. You pride yourself on your grandiosity and presence, but also know very well that deep down inside, a lot of it is motivated by the opinion of others. This fickle foundation for success keeps you up at night, leaving you to sometimes question the worthiness of your motives, but nevertheless, you are on a constant mission to prove yourself and others wrong, and often do. It’s a weird not-entirely-super-healthy cyclical system, but it’s worked so far, so fuck it. Your social media app of choice is Facebook and Twitter, where you post short bold posts/tweets like “Working.”, only because you want to flex but are self-aware enough to know that straight up Instagram flexing is OD. If 808’s is for the tortured soul and Late Registration is for the carefree, you fall somewhere in between.
TYPE: ENTJ (The Executive).
BEST TRAITS: Perfectionist and persistent.
WORST TRAITS: Perfectionist and persistent.
IDEAL JOB: Marketing manager, executive, actual entrepreneur.
Watch The Throne
You’re a terrible human and I’m amazed evolution has helped you make it this far. That’s it.
TYPE: ASSS (Ass).
BEST TRAITS: N/A.
WORST TRAITS: Everything.
IDEAL JOB: N/A.
You’re a very interesting person. Or actually not at all, and just pass off as a poor amalgamation of everything you really want to be. You don’t know which one it is yet, but you’re confident enough to keep doing you, so kudos for that. As a personality, your interests fall somewhere in the more extreme pleasures of life, including but not limited to entry level far-left politics, a lust for art and a penchant for alcohol. That alcohol part has probably played a pretty hefty role in one or two or ten bad decisions you’ve made before, all of which have led to very serious contemplations of quitting, at least until your friend hits you up at 9:24pm on a Thursday night to go out. This happens periodically. It’s okay, though, because this Bukowskian way of life will make a great novel or film one day, of course, whenever you build the motivation to start it (“next year.”) Nonetheless, your taste in culture is very well-read, and you find a point of pride in your knowledge of music, books and movies, no matter how surface level they are. One day, when you stop pretending to like Death Grips, you may realize that there is a big slab of truth buried under your built-up irony. Unravel that and then you can begin to practice self-love.
TYPE: INFP (The Idealist).
IDEAL TRAITS: Passionate and versatile taste.
WORST TRAITS: Unstable and slightly self-destructive.
IDEAL JOB: Music store owner, bartender, aspiring writer.
The Life of Pablo
You’re going through a life crisis right now. You don’t gotta tell me, I just know. Now, I don’t know what transitory stage in this life you are currently dealing with, whether it be from Young Adult to Adult-Adult or Adult-Adult to Wow Hella Adult, but you’re really going through it right now, and like a castrated Republican senator after a violent massacre, I’m praying for you. This weird junction you must be dealing with is not one that you’re facing alone — please just know know that we’ve all experienced the symptoms of momentary instability: the temper fluctuations, the bouts of existential doubts and the fog-eyed perspective of a person who can’t see the light. In this stage, you may see some of your best days and some of your worst, but this battle is an uphill one and you will persevere. God is love, and if she exists, she’s on your side.
IDEAL TRAITS: N/A.
WORST TRAITS: N/A.
IDEAL JOB: Probably unemployed, temporarily, I hope.